---more posts soon---
ㅤouch!02/23/26
hey guys. im going to be honest. im not doing too well T_T forewarning im gonna vent and get into some heavy mental health things so if thats not what you wanna read rest assured the rest of my blogposts are a lot more lighthearted! it just seems like i wont be in that mood for the forseeable future, sorry. if that's upsetting to you don't force yourself to read this, go explore the rest of the site!
i talked about this in my previous post a bit, but i ended the post a bit hopefully. i was struggling but i was convinced i could push through. im not so sure anymore. a lot of things have happened to me since then and they've kind of slowly been wearing me down. im catching myself doing things i used to do back when i was really depressed and its really scary to feel my mind changing back to how it was. ill get into why.
basically, i have very few people i talk to here in college. i used to be really open about going places and at least making an effort to befriend people at the start, but a certain death of a podcaster last year really opened my eyes to the kinds of people that go here, because everyone showed their true colors. why is everyone racist? even the poc r conservative nuts. going on the college social media that day was genuinely so unsettling. that was the day i realized im not welcome here. even in my fucking art class, my ART CLASS, people were defending that racist man. and apart from that, all the poc r either racist or friends with racists, ppl in the honors program r also racist bring christianity into everything AND r dumb as bricks T_T like im literally christian and it makes me uncomfortable how much they bring it into everything like hey this isn't a christian school NOR is it a christian class. SHUT UP!! and ive literally seen ppl use chatgpt for the dumbest shit too like. i dont have any friends but i dont even know if i WANT to be friends with any of these people. even the people i thought were nice turned out to be strange in one of the ways previously mentioned. and the few people ive met who aren't like this still treat me like everyone else does. like im some type of alien or like i have the plague and i cant be touched with a ten foot pole. i asked someone here to be my roommate that i THOUGHT id befriended and gotten along really well with, but when i asked they just laughed it off EVEN THOUGH THEY JUST TOLD ME THEY WERE THINKING OF ASKING ME A WEEK PRIOR. what happened between then and now? just what was it about me that made you decide you didn't like me anymore? or did you never like me at all in the first place? why lead me on then? and legit last week i was in a group with them and some other girls for a group project, and a week after we got into the group i found out that THEY MADE A FUCKING GROUP CHAT WITHOUT ME. ARE WE SERIOUS. literally WHAT have i done to you for you to do that to me. its not like they dont have my number, because they do! because we all have the same scholarship and we all have eachothers contact information. they even couldve asked the person i was friends with in the group (aka the one who rejected me as mentioned earlier) for my number like there was literally no reason. and then they had the gall to do the least amount of work for the project. like its not like im a bad student i literally have straight As. and im not even rude or hostile or ANYTHING!! IM JUST QUIET!! im not mute if you would just ask me anything ill respond kindly i really dont get the need to exclude me. i do everything i can to follow all the social cues and sound polite and never be myself in excess but it feels like it doesnt work. and even when i try to be more open and be myself it feels like nobody likes the person that i am.
i was in a really good place senior year. i really was. i felt like i finally found my place socially and i had friends who i knew appreciated me and i felt like i didnt need to mask who i was anymore. but im back at square one again. even worse, im starting to doubt if my friends even like me at all, which i know isnt a logical thought at all and really i have nothing to prove it but the intrusive thought persists anyway. and i have these really bad thoughts about how im nobodys number one. me and my best friend dont talk anymore. not like we used to. i often feel like it was my fault for that happening. ive never dated anyone. surely theres a reason for that, right? am i really so intrinsically alien from other people? am i really just unloveable? i know these are bad thoughts. theyre illogical and ive gone through this before and ive grown from that already. but no matter how much i recognize that, it doesnt stop me from feeling it anyway. im losing myself and i feel like there's nothing i can do about it. i hung out with my friends this weekend and i didnt feel like myself at all. i kept zoning out and staying quiet and feeling randomly sad when im usually not like that with them. i wonder if my friends noticed that i was kind of distant. i really tried not to be.
im thinking of transferring to my friend's university. i really do hate it here. i hate feeling like a freak all the time. i hate only seeing people who look like me in the kitchens and the construction sites here. i hate being stared at on the side walk just for looking different. i hate knowing i probably wont be able to come out here. i hate seeing racist organizations here all the time. at least at their university ill have someone. theyre mostly liberal and hispanic over there. but the only thing holding me back is the financial aid. all i can do is pray that'll work out.
i just want to feel okay again
ㅤstill in war... T_T11/24/25
erm... hey guys T~T
i know i said i was gonna update over the summer but haha that didn't happen oooops... when i said i was gonna spend as much time with my friends as i could i really meant it, sawry!
and i know i said i would probably have enough time in college to update this site but BOY WAS I WRONG!! im gonna be real college has been kicking my ass and im kind of. having a horrible time there (╥﹏╥) not only bcz i have almost no free time anymore but bcz i go to a pwi and its lowk hell... like i didn't think it was gonna be that bad but it is! it really is! at the very least it is if ur poc AND alt AND queer, which i am ദ്ദി╥ ᴗ ╥) never go to a pwi if ur all three of those things lesson learned! unfortunately i cant really transfer out because i have a full ride here and the terms of the scholarship dictate that i complete all my 4 years here so i lowk have to suck it up and die hahaha. but its okay!! im gonna make it through!! i dont really have a choice but to persist (╥﹏╥)
as for what that means for this website, im gonna be real yall, i think ill only be able to update this during breaks, hence why im updating now! (im on thanksgiving break) so the next time i can update will probably be in december or january, and after that sometime in springbreak, and after that in the summer, etc etc. I really wish i could update more, but like i said, im fully on a scholarship and I need to keep up my gpa for it (╥‸╥) BUT ITS GONNA BE OKAY GUYS!!! IM GONNA MAKE IT!!! as always check out the rest of my site and ill see you l8r! BYEBYEEE!!
ㅤcoming back from war....06/3/25
its been a while huh... oops!!
so a buuuuunch of stuff has happened since i last updated my blog, and actually since ive even updated my site at all, so ill debrief you on what happened and why i was gone!!!
FIRSTLY if ypu remember from my last blogpost, i said i was gonna be busy with my billion competitions and tests at school and BOY was i right!!! to be honest i feel like i totally bombed all my tests- and to be real i feel like i really flopped when it comes to mygrades too... BUT that doesnt matter anymore cuz i GRADUATED!!! YAYYYY!!! thats ALSO why ive been super busy.. who knew graduating was so much work!! >.<
in other news, update on what i talked about last post aka my crush!! IM OVER HIM NOW!!! YAYYY!!! AFTER SO LONG!!!! tbh it was a pretty turbulent process... a little bit after making my last post i came to terms with the fact that pining for him wasnt gonna change anything and that i needed to let him go...which is easier said than done cuz i still liked him a bunch SO i started convincing myself that i hate him and focusing on his flaws to cancel out my feelings for him!!! which i dont think is healthy but oh well!! but ya in general i just kinda stopped centering my life around him, which i hadnt really realized before. but after a while of conciously trying to NOT do that, it became a lot easier to let him go. and tbh i became a lot less miserable!! it worked!! and im okay with just being friends now!!!
ANYWAY since i graduated, summer started so i can dedicate more time to this site now!! YAYYY!!! i'll keep updating when i can but i cant promise consistency since i wanna try spending as much time with my friends b4 we leave for college ToT i think(?) ill have enough free time in college to keep updating frequently but i really dont know so we'll see how that works out... ANYWAY as always check out the rest of my site and ill see you l8r!!! BYEBYE!!!!
ㅤFIRST POST!!!03/31/25
HIHI!!!
this is like my first blogpost, like EVER, so that's exciting!! ik a lot of people get their first blogging exposure from tumblr n stuff, and i did want to do that but i totally chickened out... i thought about blogging on spacehey too but im still wayy too scared T^T so im getting my start here on neocities since theres no likes... no share button... no comments... no pressure!!! so im just gonna be talkin on here about whatever :P
speaking of whatever!! heres something completely unrelated!!! i LOVE love and romance and all that cute stuff, so ive had a bunch of periods in my life where ive been like "sighhh i dont like anyone right now...i sure wish i had a crush on someone..." but BOY i did not know the storm that was coming. i've had a crush on this person. for OVER A YEAR!!! IT USUALLY DOESNT STAY THAT LONG!!! and yk, at first it was cute n sweet n nice thinking "hehe what if he liked me back >//<" but the gradual realization that no, he in fact doesn't, has been HORRIBLE!!!!!!! im JUST barely starting to get over it (if you couldn't tell! haha!) and its taking FOREVERRR!!!! WHY DID I WANT THIS!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!! i would NOT wish this upon my worst enemy (˃̣̣̥ᯅ˂̣̣̥) ya so in conclusion never get a crush on anyone ever okay thank you!!
in other news, i probably wont be updating this site as much as i want to in the coming weeks, since i'll be subjected to 1 BILLION competitions and 1 BILLION tests at school that won't be over till MAYY TᴖT so just keep that in mind!! and if i do work on this website before then (which i probably will...) know i AM procrasinating ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) anyway, that's gonna be all for today!! if you want somewhere else to go, look for the cool websites button at the bottom of the right sidebar!! OKBYEBYE!!!!!!!!!